


Eyes, soul, heart

by AkaneMikael



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-09-01 09:37:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 14,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8619340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkaneMikael/pseuds/AkaneMikael
Summary: Dean prostitutes himself, while Castiel has a crisis of faith. Their paths will cross by chance, but they will no longer be able to remove one from the other's mind, until the things really begin to change inside of them.





	1. A night, a motel and a stranger

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Occhi anima cuore](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8594764) by [AkaneMikael](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkaneMikael/pseuds/AkaneMikael). 



> this is a translation of my fic, but my english is not so well as I wish! Anyway, the original is in two parts but this I separates into several parts, because in this way is much easy and fast for me.  
> The fic derived from a pair of fan video destiel wonderful and some fan art found on the net.  
> The protagonists are Dean and Castiel, they are in an alternate universe where the supernatural doesn't exist, and I made a few changes that you'll see. The detail of this AU is that Dean prostitutes himself spontaneously and freely. And Castiel meets him in that his particular activity after a personal crisis that led him to lose his way. They succeed together to rediscover themselves and to stand up?

  
1\. A NIGHT, A MOTEL AND A STRANGER

  
[/Video destiel Crazy in love/](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-h0_sURplaM)

It has left a bitter taste in the mouth, but as soon as I get out of the motel room counting money, I keep a dollar in hand and go to the drink machines from which I take a beer.  
I open it and drink it immediately erasing the disgusting taste of cock.  
What people think when they comes to your mouth? Whether it's a delicious cream?  
Puff and with relief I feel the bitterness of the beer more enjoyable, very different from that lousy sperm.  
I turn taking a breath and while I relax a bit  in this fresh air, comes out a burp from me exactly as my eyes are crossed with those of another man.  
Practically the burp is in his face and I'm going to laugh about it with a joke, but then he neither laughs nor annoys.  
He stares at me. Serious. Without batting an eyelid.  
And let me immediately uncomfortable, so much so that of course I force the joke.  
\- Do you want a drink? - Then I think that by how he look at me, he might want more, so even though I just finished with a client, I can reassemble into the saddle. Usually everyone are active and don’t fuck a shit to make you come. - As a beer or something else. - I leave it clear what he should understand immediately.  
It’s the area of fags sluts. If you're here, you know what you can find. This motel I don’t say that it’s only used by us whores, but also yes.  
He keeps staring at me in the gloom of the night, the lights of the building behind me are few, some flash, a letter written is turned off and makes an annoying buzz. I think he's cute.  
I approach, not responding, but doesn’t go away.  
Another sip, I stop in front of him, I offer to him. He didn’t even look.  
I see better and is really nice, a nice ass these days.  
He has two bright blue eyes that penetrate me, but what is striking is the intensity of his gaze peering straight into mine, brash. And that bends wiseacre of his mouth well drawn inside which I’d gladly put my dick.  
Sometimes I don’t care, sometimes I don’t care anything. Others barely hold back the urge to vomit. But tonight I can have fun, for once.  
\- I might even get you a discount if you keep staring at me like that ... the last he did it ... mmm ... - I do understand persuasive that I had a fabulous service, wink. He at this point perhaps realizes what I meant and collecting as if to wake up now.  
Says nothing and just goes away.  
Too bad, I would have liked to take a walk with him. Or about him.


	2. Second night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second night, the stranger come back in Dean's area!

2 . SECOND NIGHT  
  
I see him again the next night, at the bar near my area. It’s the usual bar, we gather here to not stand in the street, the owner is gay and before opening this fucking bar there he did it and he knows that sometimes this shitty road has no alternative. So, you know, he gives us a hand keeping us here in exchange for a quiet ride and nothing scenes.  
\- Well? How is it tonight? - I ask Sam, the bartender who is also my friend, if I can afford the luxury of having one.  
He came out, I admire him. It opened a business. Although an activity of shit. But he has a bar and doesn't the asshole with his old life.  
Sam is a nice guy, I tried many times with him but he doesn’t want to mess with a bitch.  
\- Usual. - He replied, giving me a beer.  
The night has just begun, I turn to the local remained leaning against the bar and watch people around, some are my colleagues, other clients in search of fucked right.  
Here is a bit of everything. From gay to trans, active, passive. Sadomasochism, alternative practices, queers, virile, master, everything in fact.  
I adapt.  
I'm looking for someone tonight, but a presence attracts my attention.  
He came and it’s as if you understand that he’s not here to fuck for money. It’s a flower among the thorns. It’s completely out of place. He can’t absolutely be here to fuck and guess what? Is the guy of yesterday.  
I knew I hit him, he repented that he hadn’t accepted the fucked and he sought me. I approach him and when he sees me, he sits at a coffee table. I take it for an invitation and sit with him without asking.  
\- Hey, buddy! - The cheerful, ironic salute. I'm not queer effeminate, I’m active but also passive if necessary. But I don’t like doing the female. In short, only the manly gay fucking for money, fits a little to the requests, but I’m not soft or diva.  
He looks at me with the same  damn look of last night. Fuck, I don’t know if I hate him or he excite me.  
I bite my lip, he doesn’t answer but stares at me.  
\- May you ask what the hell you looking at? If you want to fuck me is fine. - I hate this loss of time and he doesn’t seems to know what the hell he wants.  
Then I doubt.  
\- You are virgin? Perhaps you want to figure out if you're gay ... in this case you can get a preferential price. - I say this without reminding me of telling it last night.  
\- I thought to have already a discount. - And finally speaks!  
His voice is low, penetrating and hoarsely and damn erotic. I warm.  
Mischievous smile.  
\- Then I was right, you come to this! - Saying I take his hands on the table, he looks but doesn’t move, doesn’t return, is there and he does make.  
I don’t understand, it's out of this world, as if he were no human. He also robotic ways, almost.  
It’s a mental patient?  
\- Listen, do you know what the hell you want? - I ask doubting so hard that he looks to fuck me.  
But he bends his head and continued to stare at me without saying anything, so I get nervous and looking up to the sky send him to hell, getting up.  
\- Look, let me know when you decide, you know where to find me. Meanwhile ... - Getting up, I clash with another guy and I’m delighted to come across a client who is not at all uncertain.  
Laughing I go with him shortly after, I don’t put much.  
Going away, I give him a look. He's still there staring at me. Damn it, makes me uncomfortable, I don’t ever make me uncomfortable. Fuck. Fuck.


	3. That look

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean continues his work, while Castiel continues to look at him

3\. THAT LOOK  
  
I fuck annoyed, but I satisfy him enough and pay me without complaining.  
When we finish he leaves soon, I make myself a quick shower. I feel dirty. I always feel dirty when I finish.  
The usual bitter taste. I look at the money he gave me and the machines where there is only soft stuff. They finished the beer, when the hell fill it?  
Cursing I go back to the bar across the street. It’s very late, I rest a moment and then see if I can do something else.  
At the counter I take another beer, Sam asks me how it went, I say cocky that it went great.  
\- Your friend has not moved since you left. - He then says pointing with eyes behind me. - And staring at you again. - Adds low. Surprised, I turn around and see him there. I don’t believe it!  
\- Who the hell is? - I ask curiously.  
Sam shrugs have no idea.  
\- Never seen he, is the first time. -  
\- But he has taken or say anything? - Sam says he took only water all evening and cafe. And so basically he didn’t take anything. But not being able to send him away because he has said and done nothing.  
\- I think you hit him, he watched everyone who came in, when you’re back he didn’t loose his eyes off you. - Sam explains to me everything and I'm struck, restless and yet intrigued.  
I look over my shoulder, see that I look at it, but it does not distract.  
\- Well, before he didn’t say anything, just remember of discount that I had promised yesterday. He has a beautiful voice. - Sam chuckling and nodding as he knows me, this look says a lot about what he thinks. - Hey, I don’t care. I would not search here someone I like! - I'm blunt. Sam raises his hands and makes the face of an angel.  
\- Still I don’t know who he is. He didn’t go with anyone. - With this I puff, staring him a bit and then shake my head.  
\- If he wants something from me, he has to come here. - I do so for the rest of the evening. I ignore him knowing that scrutinizes me.  
When I finish with the second customer is late, the place is almost empty, he is still there, but I shake my head again and I'm leaving without saying anything. With his penetrating and disturbing look that watch me.  
He chose me. But for what?  
If he comes forward...


	4. Deserving Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean faces the mysterious man who stares at him. And what he says, doesn't like.

4\. DESERVING BETTER  
  
The next evening there is again and again no steps forward. He comes before me, he hoped to see me again. He doesn’t take his eyes off me. Now fuck off. Tonight will not go away without telling me what the hell wants.  
I start as my usual, a beer, a customer. Nothing happens, but the evening is the usual, on average at least two at night, then I usually go to sleep.  
This evening, seeing that he remained back there all the time staring at me, as if he was my fucking pimp fucking that I haven’t, I pretend to go home, greet Sam and I go.  
Then I stop off around the corner of the bar and wait.  
Shortly after he comes out, as I imagined. I don’t bother me on, he’s looking for me? Who fucking care. I grab him and pull toward my old Impala. And crush he against with my body strong.  
Parking is to the side at the bar, not in front, not facing the street, and at this time it’s half empty. But above all it’s in the dark.  
I push him on the passenger door and I lock him, then I look holding him. The hands on the collar of his raincoat maniac. That taste in clothes!  
\- Now you tell me what you want from me. Or I’m going to hit you so hard that you’ll not want to stare at me! - I give him the choice to speak, usually I hit and just.  
He’s surprised from my reaction, his eyes blue fucking stare at me, his mouth remains tight and so I let my hands move from his long coat, the belt of his pants.  
\- Maybe I'll help you to understand. - Why don’t just knock him?  
He's a nice guy, but not more than others.  
But he has set me as nobody made.  
And let me uncomfortable, a bloody fucking uncomfortable. It’s impossible that my hands to stop. I open his pants and he keeps staring at me, hands loose at the car, doesn’t reject me, he doesn’t speak.  
\- Maybe you're shy, you want to understand if you're gay? Not sure where to start? - The mouth on his cheek, slowly moves on the ear. I take his earlobe between teeth and then my hand is the way of his groin. I'm going to grab him from under his pants and boxer, when he speaks, finally.  
\- Why are you doing it? - And this is a question to one million dollars, especially because it’s stupid.  
I stop and rip my head from his neck to look at him frowning, the hand still in his pants, but still.  
\- Because it's my job. - I answer then returning to the aforesaid work.  
\- I mean right why you do this work. - He seems very logical.  
I would like to know where he escaped this one!  
\- Because the pay is good and I am my own boss! - I answer offhand, hating this kind of attitude.  
I kneel in front of him pulling out his cock, I'm going to lick him, but returns with another question to genius.  
\- You could still do anything else. - He insists flat, calm, without the slightest agitation.  
My mouth is about to close on his dick, but I decided to masturbate while I talk on the sensitive skin of his groin.  
I went crazy?  
\- Fuck for money is not so bad if you can handle the situations. And I know the deal. - At this point I am about to pounce on his famous cock that I think just beginning to heat up, but he put hands on my face, on my cheeks, and stops me lifting up. I stay on my knees in front of him, my hands on him, but the eyes on his, from down to top. As if I were making a declaration of love.  
\- You don’t really think so. You don’t do this if you don’t have to punish you. Why do you hate yourself so much? You think to not deserve better, so that’s fine, but you know that's not true. And I tell you. You deserve better. No matter what you did. -  
It’s as if he stabs me.  
Sometimes the preachers are doing these things, but they don’t pull out their cocks, they don’t have this approach and especially don’t know to look at you that way almost divination.  
I ... don’t know, it’s as if with these eyes he had really read me inside. Uncomfortable, torn, torn to pieces and trampled, I get angry quickly, and I detach him from the car, I turn around and leave. He is there with open pants without taking off his penetrating eyes from me.  
I shake my head in disbelief, but I feel to pieces just for what he said, or the way, or I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s not the first time, but it’s the first in this way. As well. With the eyes that denude me.  
I point with the finger, giving me a bully tone.  
\- Fuck you, you're nobody to talk to me like that and don’t know a shit about me. Get out, if you're still here tomorrow I'll kill you and believe me, you wouldn’t want to try it! -  
He remains there to always stare at me a bit lost, but still convinced of what he said. I think he doesn’t understand my reaction, because I reacted badly, because I'm leaving.  
But he says nothing, so I go into the car and run scoured.  
Fuck you, you piece of shit. Fuck.


	5. What you want from me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stranger comes back for apologizing with Dean, but he knows what he want. Now he knows!

5\. WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME  
  
Think about it all day, all fucking day. And then go back there with anxiety and heart pounding, and this rending hatred against myself.  
I don’t know if I want to see him again to kill him or fuck him and this annoys me, but even more irritates me is the way he looked at me.  
From top to bottom, from outside to inside. He seemed to know so many things about me. But he don’t know me, he just looked me and realized something that I refuse to understand.  
I will not see him again, let me uncomfortable, forcing me to look at things you don’t want. I feel torn apart.  
But I go back to the bar the next night and I look around me. Then, with disappointment, I notice that there is not.  
I feel like a jerk.  
I told him to leave me alone and he did it. He had taken at word.  
Maybe it's better in this way, in this life I don’t have room for feelings, it would be a disaster.  
  
The evening goes on as usual, hardly find a decent client, in all I try his eyes or his way of looking at me.  
I don’t find him, however I go with a man with blue eyes like his.  
What the hell made me the bastard?  
  
The sex was not worth it, but I put away money and puff considering the idea to go home tonight.  
Why this life?  
But it's the only one.  
It’s the only one suitable for me.  
Because this is what I deserve.  
  
I leave the motel room and control the sodas in vending machines. There is a beer. Just one. I don’t want to come back to the bar, it would seem that I still want to work and I don’t.  
I put hands in my pockets, looking for a banknote, but behind me an arm sneaks out of sight without seeing in the face, paying me the beer.  
I take it surprised and with a wry smile I turn around me thinking that maybe it's too early to go home.  
But when I see him, I remain blocked. Suspended in a empty where under me there is only darkness.  
The stomach shrinks as if I to vomit, anxiety explodes and I'm feeling bad.  
\- Are you. - I'm trying desperately hard to give me a tone.  
His insightful blue eyes staring at me undressing without moving a muscle.  
He’s so close to me that the living space is an old memory, no breath, he makes me look down, I get lost on his mouth.  
Beautiful.  
\- I wanted to apologize for yesterday, there are not my business, maybe. - So I look sudden again.  
\- Maybe? You can swear that they were not! - Abrupt and angry reply, but he not steps back, he stays just a few centimeters from me, always staring at me that way. In the damn way!  
That's what I hate. I hate that makes me feel less just with a look. And I hate feeling less!  
\- I can know what the hell you want once and for all? What the fuck do you care about me and the life I lead? Are you a preacher? A priest? What the hell are you, what do you want? - As my usual attack when I’m uncomfortable and he doesn’t give me space so I push him to take it from myself. That brief contact electrified me.  
I want him, fuck.  
And then I realize. He stays here, he will not go, and stares me with that look of troubled mixed sapientone.  
He wants it as I do.  
He wants it. He knows that it’s improper, disapproves of the sluts, casual sex ... but he wants it. He is fought.  
\- I’m none, I met you by chance the other night and you hit me. - He puts it down easy. I smile mischievous immediately changing air, I’m not more aggressive. I drop me in my role, a role that I play well.  
I take his tie loosened, the first two buttons of his shirt are undone and is left untucked, under his beige raincoat. I take the keys to the room from which I just got out and I pull leading him while I walk back towards the door.  
He follows me blankly, troubled by these my ways.  
\- I know exactly what you want. And I'm OK. You're a little hard, don’t you think that's the case, but you want it. I’ll know convince you that instead is okay, that's fine. You will not regret ... - I'm not talking about the money, otherwise he would go.  
He’s going to give in, you see how is rigid and not breathing in that look disturbed and hard.  
As soon as I put the key in the lock, he shakes his head, he raises his hands and steps back pulling the tie out of my hand.  
\- No, look, that's not what I want ... - I laugh mockingly, but he leaves without adding anything. The asshole will change his mind. Tomorrow I wait right here.  
  
I think about it the rest of the night, while complete with an orgasm of my hand.  
The best from a large long period.


	6. Finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally the stranger come back, and wants some.

6\. FINALLY  
  
The next night he doesn’t show up right.  
I remain staring at the entrance of the bar, then I go out and I try in the parking of the the motel. I'm up at dawn, but there are no signs of life.  
Not his.  
What a disappointment, really he will not be here anymore?  
But then what the hell do I care?  
Come on!  
It doesn’t make sense! Who wants him?  
He is a nice guy, but believe himself superior, looks at me for make me feel like shit, maybe want to change me, what am I, his mission?  
And yet I'd fuck him for free.  
  
When I see him again the next night, the world disappears.  
The excitement comes over me like a runaway train, I feel broken and I don’t care. The euphoria. Euphoria I never proven.  
He’s back, but he looks a bit strange, a little different from the usual. He’s not rigid as always.  
I turn to the bar, I see him enter and it’s like if for a moment everything disappeared.  
He look me, he find me, he illuminates, but he seems serious, determined, almost angry. Or beside himself. I don’t know.  
Maybe he will decide.  
I look, I don’t do half step. He comes to me, staring at me always direct, but not to see through me. It's another look.  
\- How much for a complete? - Asks imitating customers who noted the previous nights.  
I hold my breath and a wave of excitement mixed with disappointment comes over me.  
What does it mean?  
I tell him the price. He wants to play? He wants to test me? Or to test himself?  
Ok, I'm in. Let's play. Let's see how far you arrive, prince!  
So nods and gives me the sign to go, I surprised put down the beer after ended it and I go before him to the usual room.  
Emotion. Stupid emotion, shaking my legs and hands. I'm a jerk.  
What the hell made me this guy? What?  
Holy shit, how much I want him.


	7. First time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then, in the motel room...

7\. FIRST TIME  
  
Stale air.  
I not even feel it.  
I'll go ahead, he follows me, the door closes silent, I move to the bed, right beside him, I let down the keys and the phone on the bedside table, then I turn around and I take off my jacket looking him. Stands still at serious stare, maybe he thought better of it.  
No matter what you feel, Dean. You just have to move on.  
He stares at me a moment longer with those damn erotic eyes, penetrates me. I hold my breath for a moment and finally he decide to take off his raincoat.  
I bite my lip, I remain a motionless snap.  
He take the tie, he opens it and pulls from one side of the collar of his shirt. He then goes on to open the buttons and his movements are dried, resolute, as if he was angry. Completely another. It’s not undecided about what to do.  
Well, better that way. I get excited.  
I approach taking off the shirt from waist. The jeans still on. He comes back to me shirtless. He has a beautiful body, not trained as mine, but rather enjoyable.  
I put my hands on his belt, pull and undo. He stares at me and feeling it I up my eyes on his, very close we breathe.  
The world fades quickly and the excitement is so high that I feel like an idiot.  
An idiot kissing for the first time.  
I don’t, but now I find myself doing stupid things just because he's a nice guy. Or because he look at me like that.  
Our tongues intertwined in the mouths that open and unite, come together in a moment and it’s all electric and heat, sparks through me and I don’t understand a shit.  
But his fingers opens my tight jeans and febrile slip on the sides and then behind, they shove under the cloth and try to lower them.  
Now is clumsy.  
I smile biting his lip and I step back, I lean removing them alone. Then I stay down on knees in front of him and take his bringing them down along with the white slip.  
I lick my lips as I smile luxurious. I look at it, I fill of his cock at rest and just overflow with my fingers, it seems to me that it becomes electric.  
I lift to my mouth, I lick with tongue. He comes toward instinctive me and I stop him holding with other hand. I play drawing around his tip and then on the whole length. I lick at the base, his sensitive skin around the groin until he moans. I looks up and his expression in pleasure is extremely erotic. His head back, his hands struggling to stand still at his sides.  
So I settle, and I take it in my mouth. Finally I wrap and finally I like to suck a dick.  
Sometimes there's something different at first try, you don’t need to know to enjoy.  
To like.


	8. Excitement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the stranger discovers the excitement

8\. EXCITEMENT  
  
He pushes the pelvis into my mouth, pushing gradually more and more intensely. His hoarse groans fill the air and get excited me too, touching.  
He looks like a rookie, I think is virgin, I feel he already at the limit, so I separate myself before doing him to come, try to prolong his pleasure and looks at me bewildered, as if he didn’t understand why I stopped now.  
I get up and mischievous smile I sit on the bed, I still have adhering boxer. I slide up on the bed and wait for him, look at him while I suck my finger and finally he reaches me.  
If he want to make active I will settle. With him I could do any practice.  
He comes on his knees beside me and looks at me hesitantly. Even hesitate with his hands. He hesitates.  
He stares my athletic body, I likes him.  
So I open my legs, push my feet and the pelvis toward him. Hands high over my head. A total of waiting for him and he finally decide to touch the sculpted abdomen. I gasp. He has a sweet touch. Damn naive. And just as naive  he goes down. He hesitates on the elastic of my boxers, but then lowers them softly, as if it were a crime, as if fighting with himself. I look at him and is actually disturbed by what he does, but he likes to die. So again I push a little my pelvis and he decide to take a little that covers me and pull on.  
At last I’m naked in front of him and finally can touch me as it should. I'm already excited, my cock stands straight between my legs, he looks surprised and I laugh, so I take his hand and caress me.  
Shy, uncertain, clumsy hand that slowly becomes more and more secure, because he understands that it’s more beautiful than what he thought.  
Maybe it's a priest and l'm doing to lose the votes. I'm diverting, I'm bringing him to the path of sin.  
I bite my lip to the imagination and let he masturbates me alone. I move the leg and wrap him with both, I settle in the middle and surround decided, I lift my pelvis and rub my cock which now leaves against his belly, is hard and excited, and then I go down and our erections meet, cross and rub. He throws his head back, eyes closed, mouth open. Abandoned to a pleasure so intense that he can’t control.  
So for today I’ll give him the best memory of all, and I’ll take his cock, if I to fuck him, he would be traumatized and not would return.


	9. Push it bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then he comes in!

9\. PUSH IT BAD  
  
When I feel and see him hard and to the limit I loosen from his pelvis, I remove the legs from him, I turn back and I lean forward, pressing my face and torso against the mattress. I grab the sheets and I turn the head to look at him.  
\- Go .. - I don’t know how he calls. But he looks at me as if I sin of heresy.  
Yes, I think he's a priest. I chuckle, and I realize that I can’t expect that he has it, so I reach the edge of the bed and take out of the drawer a condom. I open it with my teeth, I turn and I put it to him mischievous remaining on all fours in front of him, then I take the cock again in the mouth and leave a bit of saliva.  
Finally I get to turn around in the perfect position as before, open and ready for him I suck my finger and then I slip behind. I put it to me myself, I open for him, something that I have not much need as I’m accustomed.  
After a while he finally decide, I thought of having to make a hand job  alone.  
He take me and I stop to put the finger inside of me. He grabs me, widens and then leans. A push is not enough, is indecisive, insecure, scared, maybe.  
I laugh and I turn looking him. He's awfully nice, pure and sinful together.  
Whoever he is, whatever his history, this will be my night.  
\- Determined. Push it bad. - I instruct him. He looks scared.  
\- Ba ... bad? - Asks surprised. I laugh and I bite my shoulder and nodded.  
\- Don’t hurt me, you have to come inside decided. Go out and back in with a strong push. - He doesn’t seem sure so I give myself a slap on the cheek.  
\- Come on, you want to or not? You came to humiliate me? To look at me and just? If you wanted to look you didn’t make me mad this far! Now I need your cock inside or I go crazy. Fuck me as it should, holy shit! - Nth inciting he decide and enter.  
Decided. Strong, as I had said. Thank goodness.  
I abandon myself forward and close my eyes to feel it. It’s extremely nice, fuck his indecision. He’s pretty darn sweet. Damn sexy. Damn beautiful.  
A push and is almost everything inside, then continues to move while I urge to do so, not to stop, to increase and to go faster, stronger.


	10. Orgasms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the hot act goes on

10\. ORGASMS   
  
When he finally takes pace, I masturbate alone accompanying the pleasure of behind with that of the front and for me it’s orgasm.  
Oh God, the orgasm while I fuck... no, I don’t think to have had it for a while!  
I'm fucking shocked, but even more so to feel that he also increases the thrusts and groans fill the room. A stronger push and he comes inside me.  
And here we are with orgasms almost together, a kind of miracle.  
Oh fuck!  
He remains still inside me, tense and lost in the first cum of his life, and after a while he remember where he is and go out, understanding that is the last stop.  
He thrown to the side, on back, panting, sweating.  
I also turn, I smile stupid.  
He made me sweat but it was pretty darn nice.  
I look at him curious, he looks at me uncertainly, shocked.  
Irregular breathing, sweating, panting again.  
I smile, but he doesn’t, he’s still in shock, or as I know.  
He is strange from the first day when I saw him, and continues to be so.  
What should I do, I ask the name? Usually I don’t ask. But usually I don’t kiss.  
I turn on the side and look at him to ask him who the hell he is, but he gets up immediately, as if frightened, I don’t know.  
I look at him frowning. Is angry? He seems like when he took me tonight. Strange, different from the other times.  
He cover up quickly without fasten the shirt, all tattered and is even more beautiful. I bite my lip as the searing disappointment comes.  
Don’t do it.  
But I don’t say anything.  
He then turns to me, his hands in his coat pocket.  
Don’t do it.


	11. Like everyone else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the sex, the stranger pays Dean

11\. LIKE EVERYONE ELSE  
  
He pulls out the money that I had said at the beginning, and makes them fall on the nightstand next to my things.  
For the first time since I do this job, I hate it. I hate this job. I hate money. I hate this shit situation. Before now I hated myself, I was not interested.  
But now it's different. It’s different from the start.  
What he did to me?  
\- I don’t want them, take them! - I say without even touching them, without moving or turning around. But he doesn’t.  
\- Is this your work. It’s right that I pay you. -  
\- But it was nice. - I say stupidly, trying not to feel how much burns me.  
\- Whenever it’s nice, you do it for free? - It should be so.  
\- It isn’t nice very often ... - But it’s not an answer. He points the money and walks for the door, bitter, light years away, frowns, looks at me from above, bitter, angry. Frosty.  
\- Is the work that you have chosen. You have sex for money. We had sex. I pay you. If the sight of that money burns you, stop doing it. It's your choice. - With this he goes away, without saying who he is and what the hell does. Not the name. Not a clue to find him. And if he would not be more alive from now?  
Then the questions torment me while I get to sit and watch the money annoyed, as I burn more and more.  
And if I not see him again?  
Why he came to fuck? He didn’t want to, he doesn’t like this job, he doesn’t understand. But he came and fucked me.  
And then he paid me.  
Like everyone else. As if he were one among many.  
As if it were a humiliating mark.  
I take the money and launch them against the door, fly off and spread, then I shake my head hard, my jaw is contracted, I fight against this stupid urge to cry.  
Burn. The humiliation? Yes, certainly, but not only.  
I get up and go to the bathroom, I'll go in the shower.  
It burns me that before he hits and then he has sank me.  
He looked at me in a way I have not forgotten, he dared to ask me why I do this crap. And then he made me do it. Like everyone else.  
Before he did different, and then he was lowered to their level.  
And me, asshole, I did let him do.  
Just to get the fuck most beautiful of my life.  
Or maybe just to fool myself. It was really different for once.  
Fuck, I don’t deserve anyway.  
So to hell. It’s better that way.


	12. Still him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What he wants the stranger, when he comes back again? Will pretend nothing? He will still take?

12\. STILL HIM  
   
All my good intentions collapse when I see him again the next night at the bar, sitting where I usually go, Sam gave me a meaningful look as if to say 'what happened?' And I shake my head because I have no idea.  
He saw us go away together and now he’s here as if expected me, but we have the strange faces.  
Then I remember that we are a whore and a customer. I have regular customers, but not shot against the door their money and above all, I don’t have orgasms with them. It can be more or less pleasant, but last night I enjoyed sincerely.  
I approach not knowing what to do and how to behave, I pretend to nothing. I clap my hands on counter, I sit on the stool and yell to Sam to give me a beer. He gives it to me and asks me how it goes, I reply that it’s yet to be seen, joking as usual.  
Then I turn to the guy who I don’t know his name, as if only now I notice him. I take the beer from Sam and saw that he looks at me, I make a toast to him with a wink, then drink. As if nothing had ever happened and I approaching him for the first time.  
He sits up on the stool and stares at me penetrating, trying to understand my defiant behavior that pretends indifference.  
Joke. Play. I'm a fool. Then the first thing he say is:  
\- Room 211? - What, he want to redo?  
Since nothing ever? What's happening?  
He quite appreciate my work for someone who hates it...  
I remain dazed and I stop joking, I don’t know, has something behind that gaze impassive and cold. something intense, like a message.  
I remain dazed and nod, then he gets up and goes before me. I look at Sam, perplexed like me.  
We shake shoulders and I finish the beer by pretending that although strange, he’s a customer like any other.  
Yeah, as many.  
Like hell.  
Maybe he wants to talk, to apologize for... but for what? For treating me like I wanted?  
Sigh.  
What nonsense!


	13. In the room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his returns, they comes in the motel room...

13\. IN THE ROOM  
  
We don’t talk, we just look at us, to eat us with eyes. We lick and bit our lips, and then when we are naked again, we end up go on our bodies, voraciously.  
It's like an insatiable hunger.  
Yesterday he was very aggressive, much more than I ever imagined, as if he was angry with the world.  
Today is more passionate. Today he enjoys more.  
He makes his my body, every centimeter licks it, touches it, explore, see what I like and focuses.  
He’s giving me pleasure. It’s he who gives it to me. It’s as if my pleasure was his.  
This never happened to me before, customers come to enjoy, I have to do to them all that gives them pleasure, nobody cares of a bitch. If I enjoy it or not, it doesn’t matter.  
Today he makes me around with his mouth and his hands.  
On my groin, behind me. Inside me. Find erogenous points that not even know I had.  
He leaves me to the brink of orgasm a few times, as if he were an expert. Maybe he's more gifted than it seemed, maybe he learns quickly.  
Or he had enough orgasms even alone and realized that if he keeps the other in suspense, then when free the bomb is something incredible.  
At the end makes me cum.  
Eventually he leaves me to cum and for me it’s something shocking. The pleasure vibrates in every particle of my being, every molecule trembles.  
I don’t connect for a while, until I see to have dirt on me and he looking at my belly and white spots, energizes and lifts my legs, leaning on his shoulders, he pulls a bit of my pelvis like going comfortable, take me, come and make me his.  
I am his merchandise.  
I am now.  
I will be other nights.  
For my part, I could be forever.


	14. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after sex, the sermon

14\. CHOICES  
  
I’m in the most incredible peace of mind when he comes, I feel less bad then always, I don’t feel anything indeed.  
Only him within me. And then his voice low and husky that he enjoys. I open my eyes and see him.  
His face dropped to the pleasure, his head back, eyes closed.  
And the world also disappears for him when he comes inside.  
Shit, I haven’t even seen if he put a condom, yesterday seemed to not even know what it was!  
He has seen porn to become so good?  
Or maybe the fuck is in the DNA of a man, in his in particular.  
He tends like a bundle of nerves, I look at him while enjoying to great and after a while recovers and exits.  
I see that he takes off the condom full of his pleasure and I bite my lip sly, amused. It's awkward with that stuff in hand and, like yesterday, makes her fall to the ground.  
I leave me lying on back, arms high over head, legs a bent, the other long. I gasp again, we are sweaty and stupid. I am.  
And satisfied.  
Fucking happy. Much more than yesterday.  
I also wonder if also today I’m like a whore to him.  
I finish by saying it, that he gets up and goes into the small bathroom where he rinses quickly.  
I look at him with burning rising from inside, furiously painful.  
I hold the sheet and I try like crazy to not show this stab that gives me to be treated like a whore by him.  
\- And yet it didn’t seem that you was fucking a whore! - Growling angrily. He from opened bathroom gives me a quick look, it is again hard and made up, however, is naked and has a nice body whereas is probably a gift from mother nature and is not built by the gym and dieting.  
\- If you have enough to be a bitch you have to stop to do it! - At this speech I irritated me, and I get up, I go to him and I open the shower to make one quickly. He just inserted his cock, dressed in added, in my hole. I made a party with my special cream and now I’m so dirty that if I take off this sex stinks ... then risk orgasm after another!  
He stares at me closing the sink faucet, remains stopped to look at me, from the mirror I notice that he looks down on my groin. I chuckle and shake my head mischievous and fun.  
\- I wish I knew who the fuck you think you are to come into my life and tell me how to live! - I say tough. I don’t look at him while I enter into the shower. He doesn’t answer, comes out, I see that he dresses and leaves me the money on the bed.  
That money I’m hating them. Damn asshole.  
He fucks me like a person and pays me like a whore.  
However, that I complain?  
It’s me that I want it. It's my choice.


	15. Every fucking time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the stranger comes, the stranger takes.

15\. EVERY FUCKING TIME  
  
He grips my hips, his hands are much more decided.  
As well as his first shot. He’s in right away.  
Is no longer uncertain. He knows exactly how to do it.  
Not trying to be light.  
A boost and is in, a second and starts moving. Goes faster and faster, quickly increases the rhythm and when he does I arch me, I push my hands on the bed and on all fours in front of him, I go toward him with every thrust that becomes more and more impetuous. Every shot is a sound of bodies colliding. The noise of fucked.  
The groans fill the air. The world disappears. Literally it disappears. Again. And this time I come back with him inside me. This position is killing me.  
This time he gave himself several minutes lying on the bed next to me, out of breath, it is more difficult, right? Much more difficult.  
I look mischievous, he always look a little fish out of water, never smiles, is always serious, hard. But how he fucks me, damn it!  
Turns his face, looking at me seriously, he doesn’t say anything and I don’t either.  
It doesn’t matter.  
I smile, always ironic, always my half smile, not a real one. He mentions one, a kind, something that comes close.  
But then silently gets up, cleans, pays me and walks away.  
I don’t know what he’s called, I don’t know who he is, what he does and why he was here that day, what he was looking in the area of the whores?  
And then why he continues to fuck me if he doesn’t make me his sermons?  
It shouldn’t care me, is a customer and nothing else. The most frequent customer I've ever had.  
That every fucking time makes me cum. Every. Time.


	16. Priest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and the stranger talking together

16\. PRIEST  
  
\- Are you a priest? - I ask the following evening. I didn’t want to converse, but he doesn’t go away immediately after taking breath to bed, he’s still a bit with me. He looks at me surprised and finally an expression!  
I laugh and he is even more surprised.  
The anger and disappointment has passed, I have become accustomed. He's my favorite customer and I have a thousand orgasms with him, but he's still a customer. It's my life.  
\- Why? - Asks strangely, remaining always stretched.  
\- You look like a priest. From the speeches you were doing ... -  
\- I never mentioned God. - Arguments extremely logical. I think better at that night, when we had a fight, I put myself on the side and began to play with his nipple. No cuddling, I'm just playing with his nipple. He lets me do, one arm bent behind his head. He looks at me with his usual composed, who searches to understand.  
\- You seemed like someone who had no right to be there. You never had orgasms before that night, right? - Looking for clues and he finally admits.  
\- I was a virgin. - I smile victorious.  
\- Then you're a priest! - He shakes his head.  
\- I left the votes. - He admit. For a moment to me it seems to explode with happiness for having discovered something about him. We are talking about and not as a whore and client. Why whore and customer doesn’t speak.  
\- So you were a priest! Have you lost faith? What, did you know don’t fuck it's bullshit? You can become a Protestant, isn’t it? - It's a unassailable logic too.  
\- Bring you back all to the sex? - What a question!  
\- Sure, I fuck for living! - Blunt answer. He shakes his head, looks up at the top and back at me. I think it's a small amusement light that I see in his blue eyes. Small but wonderful. I think he has a gorgeous smile. I wonder if I can make him laugh.  
\- I had a crisis of faith. Or rather ... - He thinks and looks away from me. My hand on his chest dates back to play with his collarbone. - I haven’t found any more in accord with the vision and the rules of the Catholic Church. - I reflects for nano seconds, and for me they are too many.  
\- Because your Catholic priests can’t fuck! - He sighs patient.  
\- It was not about sex! -  
\- But the first thing you did was look for the sex! -  
He then looks at me again, he shuts up and think about what to tell me. My finger back in his mouth, so beautiful and well designed. Touch him. I feel like an idiot. An emotional idiot.  
\- Do you believe me if I tell you that I was there by chance, and when I realized that place was, I was leaving? - I laugh.  
\- No, I don’t believe you! -  
\- Why should I know the places of paid sex? - His logic wins on mine.  
\- Because you want to fuck after a life of deprivation and you informed! - We joke about, but he doesn’t take me seriously.


	17. The kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> talking with a stranger

17\. THE KISS  
  
I continue to touch his face. He continue to let me do it.  
\- I was about to leave when I saw you. - I stop breathing, I don’t know what to say. He tell me what he saw in me? What is taken? Why he has plagued me?  
Leave everything on hold for an infinite time, looks at the ceiling, I remove my hand because I want to know the rest.  
I'm about to give up and ask him, when turning, and, surprisingly, he smiles. He smiles at me and really for the first time.  
It’s an unsettling smile, a disarming beauty and here is what I saw in him that drew me like a magnet.  
The piece of paradise that has remained with him. Perhaps left it for a crisis of faith, however, he has taken away a bit. And are not his searching eyes. It’s his smile.  
I remain dazed, like a real jerk, hand suspended in the air and stared unable to reciprocate.  
\- You know, I have no idea why I have plagued you. Nor why continuously. It's just that I couldn’t avoid it. Silly, isn’t it? - His naivete strikes me after his smile and shake my head while the hand back on his lips. I’m hoping the touch of being able to make him my own. He goes out a bit, looks at me to see if I see him as a fool, but this time I'm the one who really doesn’t smile.  
Silent I do what I shouldn’t, that goes against the rules of this work, what I did on the first night with him.  
I lean on him, I raise myself on my elbow and touch his lips with mine. He surprised stops smiling and breathing, stands there waiting, opened up for me. And so here I am that I weave him, here is my tongue coming out, here's his that comes up to me. Here are this slow kiss, tried, erotic and sweet at the same time.  
He’s shocking me.  
What are you doing to me? How dare you make me wish for a different life from this? A life where maybe I could be happy, normal life, a life that I don’t deserve?  
His hand on my neck, slipped slowly and softly, I go up to him and we're kissing for this infinite time. Infinity. Wonderful.  
My God, what have you done to me, asshole who I don’t know your name?  
As you can take as from a stranger?  
There are no lightning strikes and destiny, fuck. No.  
Oh yeah?  
Exists?  
I just know that I would be up all night and I don’t have to kiss him.  
And that if he would pay today, then I would end up taking the car and not get back here. Because I couldn’t bear to be his bitch.  
What’s this thing? What?  
The soul? The heart? What?  
Damn eyes, damn smile.  
Damn you, whoever you are!


	18. What we are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> confidence grows

18\. WHAT WE ARE  
  
His fingers meticulously belt buttons shirt that not put under the pants, the first lets open, he put the tie that binds fast and bad leaving around his neck. Who knows why he dresses in this way.  
I do a little smile in the hope that he doesn’t pay.  
If he pays what I do?  
I don’t want his money.  
\- Why don’t you dress well? In the convent they don’t taught you to dress? - I say ironic. He looks serious and focused on the tie that is very bad.  
\- I didn’t live in a convent. - But what a Boy Scout answer!  
I look up and laugh rolling on the bed, I’m naked and I intend to stay there again a bit.  
\- And where did you live? -  
\- In the rectory of the church. - Always logical answers, I think he has no sense of humor.  
He takes the beige overcoat and sticks, so I reach for pulling him out of bed and take him lazily.  
\- And now? - I ask lasciviously. He looks at me from above, seriously, move only his eyes, not moving the whole head. He always does that.  
\- In a flat. - At his brilliant response crush my face against the bed and pull more the hem of his raincoat.  
\- But you are autistic or something? - They are typical responses of one than the head there is not much. Maybe he only developed his logic. One such was a priest? I'm surprised he didn’t have long before the crisis of faith!  
\- I don’t understand. - Responds increasingly cold and I laugh louder, forgetting what we are, who we are and especially what I should do.  
For a moment we're just two guys having a good time.  
And it’s incredibly beautiful.  
\- But how do you live? - Rhetorical question.  
\- Well, now I have liquidation priest, but I'm looking for a work. I think I'll go to a supermarket or something similar. I have to start somewhere. - Liquidation as a priest. I laughing sigh, I sit up leaving his raincoat. Legs turned towards him, opened. He averts his gaze from my free hard erection.  
\- I don’t know how can you be true and above all to live. You seem unable to fend for yourself. How have you done so far? You can’t be so ... wait a minute! - Then I realize. Someone like him doesn’t drive, can’t have a car.  
\- But you have a room in this place? - Then I shake my head. - No, not here, but near here. A pension? If you don’t know where to start to dress... but the priests are assisted in all? - A series of questions that shouldn’t be there, I shouldn’t care at all. Clearly he doesn’t leave me a crack, he looked at me without understanding why all these questions. But he doesn’t respond.  
\- Okay, forget it, it doesn’t need. I'm trespassing. - And here he remembers what we are. He had forgotten. Both we were forgotten. Oh, damn.


	19. Don't pay me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean take courage and refuses stranger's money

19\. DON’T PAY ME  
  
Hands in his pockets looking for the church money to pay me. It’s impossible to believe.  
I shake my head and instinctively put hands on stopping him.  
\- Leave, I don’t want them. -  
\- Because are money of church? - His logical question upsets me, he read my mind?  
I scratch my head and I shrug looking around.  
\- Yes, no, well .... Also ... but above all ... - I hesitate, he stands with the money in hand. I could say that I don’t know how many will if he doesn’t work and I doubt that he can work one like him. But in the end I stand in front of him, seriously I look at him and settle his shirt buttons, make tie with slow movements, throw it to him.  
\- But above all because a bitch shouldn’t have orgasms with customers. - He looks lost, frowning, not understanding. - If we have them means that it was good. And the whores don’t fuck with pleasure. Fuck for money. - He's still lost behind a too convoluted reasoning for him, maybe it doesn’t even make sense.  
Approached face to his, hands on the collar of his raincoat.  
\- It's too good to fuck with you, it’s a pleasure. It’s not a job. I don’t want you to pay me more. - He shakes his head and puts the money between our bodies close.  
\- But it's your job, what you have chosen to do. - He insist on this, and I would send him to hell, but I would like to have a good memory of him, the end of everything. Because he would be the only one since I was born, perhaps. Almost.  
\- But I have done wrong. And if you work bad, no pay. - I reverse him as a mentally ill person, almost. He looks at me hard to understand where's the catch, so I smile and kiss him again. Troubled. Marveled.  
He reciprocates and our tongues intertwined are a beautiful memory.  
They always will be, I think.  
A few feet from him, he murmurs:  
\- You have worked very well. - Hoarse without touching me.  
I smile.  
\- Thank you. But I'm too involved now. I can’t accept your money. I don’t want them. - He insists, and this time he does taking my side. I gasp at the contact.  
\- I don’t understand why. - He's just crock. Now I’m going to give him a head butt. Exasperated shake my head and I look up to the sky, then back at him, and his blue eyes clear give me the strength to respond.  
\- Because I don’t want to be your whore. - He's silent for a moment, impressed. Processes my answer. I don’t know how he will understand what I said, maybe has some problems seriously.


	20. Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a step at time

20\. THE PARADISE  
  
\- So we can’t be together? - He doesn’t say 'fuck' and makes me smile. I put my hand on the smooth cheek, gently caress. As I have never done in my life.  
\- Sure we can. Free only. -  
\- Sex for free? And what is it? - I look at him trying to figure out how much there is or he does. Then I say again, slowly, as we are close.  
\- When you like. -  
This answer seems satisfied. He’s to put a hand on my cheek, he puts money away eventually and smiles sweetly, as before, but less bright. It’s a gorgeous smile, however, paradise back to warm me, upset me.  
\- So I shouldn’t pay you even the other times. - Too bad the first time I tried to tell you, asshole!  
I’m going to insult him when he touched my lips with his, as if he wanted to try. I run out of breath to his delicacy.  
\- I just wanted to understand. Understand you, why do you do, how you can. I just wanted to understand you. And I thought this was the only way. Throw myself into your world. - Frown staring shocked.  
\- And what did you understand? - I ask in his mouth, breathing him, touching naked in front of him.  
He smiles at this point. He smiles again, open, beautiful, paradise.  
They're about to give your knees.  
\- I have no idea. - I remain stunned at him, incredulous that he said. - Only that I can’t help but come back here to you every night. I don’t know what it means. -  
I look at him looking a bit resigned, a bit strong.  
\- Well, man. We are two. Who cares! - I surround his neck with my arms and hold him to me, I go back to kiss him as I leave voluntarily that things get out of my hands.  
\- See you tomorrow? - He nods without understanding what sense what we're doing.   
How right.  
It has no sense, just that I'm afraid of not being able to have more than that and I couldn’t do without him now. Even if it’s just nocturnal meetings and fucked.  
This thing will not lead to anything, unless I really decides to change my life once and for all.  
He goes after a sweet smile, embarrassed.  
I deserve it?


	21. Things fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things change when enters a customer irascible

21\. THINGS FALL  
  
I had overlooked some customers I had noticed but I honestly didn’t think it was a real problem.  
Until today.  
As soon as I arrive, one of those who prefers me, comes over me right away, he's drunk. He’s also the worst of my most regular customers.  
But I manage them, I also know to defend myself, this is certainly not a problem.  
This is big and told me to have a boxing gym, has the air of former boxer. But I think I can do it, just four flattery, a good fuck and I do him happy.  
Smile by slapping, always ready jokes and I get along. I go away with him and Sam gives me a worried look. He's always worried.  
I smile and I winked.  
Upon leaving, my favorite priest comes and looks at me uncertain and doubtful, he has the instinct of those who recognizes that something is wrong. I look at him in passing, my client not noticed it.  
I point him to wait, after I am his.  
I see him going to the bar, I see Sam explains. And for a moment I'm jealous. What an idiot I am. It’s not him who's going to fuck in a room with another.  
  
Start with a fuck harder than others. Technically it would be violence if I were more compliant as I can, because I know that in these cases hurts less if you leave it.  
He is furious, because I always go with that strange man, he begins to say absurd things: that I am a whore and I have to go with everyone and I can’t overlook anyone, that if I like one I have to change job or see he in the daytime, not at night.  
I joke trying to calm him down, but in the end pushes me against the wall, he pressed my face with one of his big hands gigantic and fucks me from behind without even undress.  
Doesn’t get wet, don’t put a condom. I just hope that doesn’t have some fucking disease. Holy shit, it seems rip me!  
I try to isolate myself, to think about something else and he is in my mind. He has never been so violent even in the beginning when he was angry.  
He must be constitutionally incapable of being really violent.  
His beautiful face awkward, out of the world, gives me a little mental respite.  
The sweetness of the subsequent times. Yesterday's revelations.  
Former priest. Only I could take from a former priest. Maybe I’m taken because of it, if he was someone else, I don’t shit him. I sensed that antecedent, he had in his manner.  
But then his penetrating gaze peeps. No, it was the way he tore my soul with his own eyes.  
And think back to his smile.  
And we want to say the paradise that he has shown me?  
How many secrets, how many revelations, how many amazing things hides the man?  
But I deserve him?  
Or maybe I deserve this guy who rapes me because I'm gone for a couple of nights?  
The pain is too intense so that at some point I can’t pretend nothing has happened and I complain.  
\- How about doing a little more softly? - I say ironic.  
I think that he was expected just an excuse.  
Comes out, he turns me and begins to beat.  
\- So is it better? - I don’t understand, don’t understand why he does it. The connection between a sex session with a whore and beat, I don’t get it. I don’t understand.  
And while I don’t understand, I realize that although I defend myself, he must really be a former boxer or something.  
I can’t dodge or answer, two fists and lose touch with reality, but as I slide somewhere else, I seem to have become a pungiball.  
That was what I wanted when I started doing this work?  
Maybe yes. But now it seems that it’s no longer that. Now I just hope to revisit this piece of paradise that I saw last night.


	22. I don't deserve paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is in hospital after the attack, and at his side there's his angel

22\. I DON’T DESERVE PARADISE  
  
Regain consciousness in a strange bed comfortable. Unknown is also the room, the smell of disinfectant and clean and this small noise but steady.  
I realize that is my heartbeat.  
And I realize I'm all numb and stoned, I can’t make up my mind and focus on nothing. I put a lot, in the end I swear.  
A hand shakes mine. This is the first actual physical sensation I feel.  
I hold back. It's a gentle touch. I recognize it. It can’t be the same hands that caressed me the other nights, gently.  
Around the eyes and I realize I'm in the hospital, locked and with a swollen face. I chest tight rigid bandages and an eye that doesn’t open right.  
I try to speak but my mouth is not in great condition, the stitches pull me.  
They have stuffed morphine, would also be nice if I didn’t feel pain anyway as I’m resume consciousness.  
\- Hey ... - I murmur to my favorite ex-priest. I'll call him Angel, waking up with his hand and his deep blue eyes, gentle for the first time.  
Then he also knows how to be tender, if he wants.  
I want to smile, but then I remember what happened, they beat me because I'm a bitch who for a moment was deluded not have to be longer.  
The humiliation. The inner burning. Shame I invest.  
Guilt back. For a moment I had forgotten.  
I had forgotten why I chose this life.  
I had forgotten my father.  
I had forgotten the horrible person I am, that doesn’t deserve a happy life.  
The fate reminded me who I am.  
I'm just an idiot.  
An idiot and just.  
Nothing but a whore.  
I turn my head away, unable to bear more his clean look, while a tear down my cheek.  
\- Please don’t look at me, don’t come anymore, leave me alone. - He stays there, I remove my hand from his, but he takes it up and bends down to look at me, I can’t turn my head a lot, I'm stuck.  
\- What are you saying? -  
\- You made me forget who I am and what kind of life I do. But this is my reality. Leave me alone, we are not of the same universe. Leave me. Go away. -  
\- You scared, I understand, but it’s up to you to get out. Change city, change job, quit this life. It’s entirely up to you. Don’t get squashed. Whatever you've done, no one has the right to do this to you. Neither you. - But I shake my head as I continue to cry, with the image of my family dead because of me. The only survivor. The only.  
And they all died because of me. I don’t deserve a normal and happy life. And not even death, because death is most comfortable and beautiful, it doesn’t suffer more.  
  
When he leaves, a part of me dies.  
Again.  
Or at least I feel more empty than before, but perhaps that's how I was before he came into my life.  
What is it about him that took me so much?  
Of handsome guys I've met, friendly and interesting customers.  
He was different.  
He ... He is interested in me. He wanted to understand me.  
And then I screwed me that piece of sky that he showed me, paradise.  
The demons are attracted to it, seek paradise. But perhaps they are seeking redemption. In him there is peace and purity that I would like for me.  
I think this is.  
But my family is dead because of me and I don’t deserve a peaceful and happy life, if it were not for me, they would still be alive. I deserve a punishment forever, because I hate when I'm by myself, I hate myself when I look in the mirror.  
I always hate me.


	23. The return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean back at the bar

23\. THE RETURN  
  
I have not seen him, I don’t know if he really has surrendered or what.  
I miss him so much, but I know it's better that way.  
The bruises are a little 'lighter, it's a long time since I don’t work and it’s better that I return on track.  
It’s the first time that they send me to the hospital. I wonder who found me.  
When I enter in the bar, we tremble like a jerk, I'm so nervous I'm going to throw up. Check in at the counter, Sam sees me and smiles happy, holds out his hand, we shake in our own way.  
\- Hey man! You made us worry! - Speaks in the plural.  
\- Is back? - I speak of my angel, he means the aggressor.  
I ask a drink and look around obsessive. I know it's better if he don’t come back, but I hope to see him again anyway.  
\- Every night like it's normal! - I frowned realizing that speaks of asshole and I humor him, perhaps it’s better to pretend nothing has happened. If he understand that I care of the priest, he begins to make me the sermon.  
\- Who found me the other night? - I ask, pretending that all is well. People around bothers me, I don’t know if I menage to be touched, I was optimistic.  
\- Guess ... - says mischievous chuckle. A heat wave comes over me and I'm stupidly better. Looks one who is pleasantly surprised.  
\- He was waiting me? -  
\- Seeing back the other but not you, he went to see your room. Then he ran to call me because he didn’t know what to do. I've never seen him so agitated! -  
I don’t even imagine ...  
I make a stupid smile. What a jerk I am.  
\- But he came back here? -  
\- He left me his number to tell him how you were and when you back. I thought he stayed with you. What happened? - The idea that he knows me and comes, a bomb explodes.  
I don’t know what to expect, what to want.  
\- And ... And you? - Sam fades into the shoulders.  
\- I always answered. - Puff annoyed.  
\- But you to him? So he wrote? What do you say? - I start with the questions burst and he is surprised.  
\- Yes he wrote ... he wondered if you were back, every time I told him no. -  
\- And now? - I ask breathless, not having the slightest idea of what to hope ...  
Sam shows me his phone with text messages addressed to him.  
'He just entered. He seems to be better. '  
The words of Sam to the address... He wrote under the name of 'stranger'. I chuckle. Who knows what is his name really!  
When I realize that I could see him again, I climb a stupid pounding.  
\- Why did you tell him? - I'm beginning to grumble. Sam shrugs amazed.  
\- I thought you were on good terms now ... what did I miss? - He asks blankly. In this one client greets me and asks me how I am.  
Touch on the shoulder and I turn as a spring with clenched fist. The man raises his hands in apology and I look at him agitated, anxious, out of breath, as if I had the course. Silence falls here around me and so dissolve my fist and I rub hand over my face, hallucinated. That's how I feel.


	24. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean meets the customer that hit him

24\. ANGER  
  
Fuck.  
\- Sorry, man ... maybe I'm not really that good ... I think ... I think I need a few more days ... - It's no mystery what happened to me, they saw all that took me away in an ambulance all beaten.  
\- Yes, maybe it's better. Maybe it's a little soon. - Sam says calmly, nodding to the customer to go away. The other nods and walks away, I nervous sigh and shake my head.  
\- My nerves are on edge. - Mumbled. He makes the air of 'I see' and I decide.  
\- I'm going home, I’ll back when I feel better. -  
The problem is if I’ll feel better. I got nervous and violent clients, but I always managed them well and have never finished full of blood and the hospital.  
I think I'm a bit overrated my inner resilience.  
When I’m out of the bar, a cheerful, familiar voice reaches me.  
\- Hey man! - I raise an eyebrow.  
'Man?'  
I turn around and just see his face, paralyzed me. The last thing I saw before losing consciousness, before cursing myself for still being alive.  
I stiffen, clench my fists and look inside, then I feel stupid. Go and ask a hand to Sam? Really me?! Don’t say nonsense!  
\- What do you want, the second round? Watch that the special offer of the strike without taking them back, expired that day! Now if you give me, I return to you! - I try to joke around aggressively and he seems in a peaceful way, he raises his hands and laughs. But it’s a fake laugh.  
\- Actually, I wanted to apologize for having exaggerated! I was a bit drunk and I have the aggressive strand? -  
\- 'Exaggerated?' 'Aggressive strand?' You can say that you have completely lost control! - I answer nervous accusing him. When I feel weak and at the corner I attack and become violent, only that in some cases is worse.  
I go further into my car, but he follows me.  
\- Come on, let me apologize as it should ... -  
I don’t stop, I arrival at car, traffic with the keys to my old impala, only memory of my father.  
\- Apology accepted, but tonight I need to rest, I believed I was ready to climb into the saddle, but ... -  
\- Come on, I pay twice ... - I hear he pulling out the money and puts it in the pocket of my tight jeans, touching me for good.  
I turn the shutter and take off his hand abruptly.  
\- I said no! - I say decided, I'm losing my control, now. I don’t like feeling weak, I hate feeling weak. And he humiliated me like that. I can’t beat up a customer here, but if he don’t leave me alone, I will!  
I feel the adrenaline rush, I feel electric and soon the urge to hit him is untenable.  
I take his money out of my ass and I push them against his chest, he didn’t take them, so I leave and those falling.  
\- No need to be so aggressive! -  
Responds annoyed, I laugh in derision.  
\- Ha ha, really? And when I told you so the other night and you used me as a pungiball? - I reply aggressive and provocative. But at this point he pushes me against my car and press on me.  
\- Hey, I asked you sorry, what do you want more? - Says poking his mouth against my ear, I feel an unparalleled disgust. I'm about to throw up, I feel as my stomach punched and I'm going to react, react badly, react as he deserves. I’m not paralyzed by fear, I’m incited by anger, an anger unparalleled.


	25. Just a Goodbye?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stranger comes to help Dean

25\. JUST A GOODBYE?  
  
Why the fuck I have to live with head down and suffer all? Some things I choose, how to be a whore, to humble myself exhale my guilt. But not to be the doormat! I will not die under the fists of some bastard! This ever!  
I am about to dismiss him, but suddenly I feel free, the weight of his massive body no longer blocks me, I turn my head to see and he is down not far away, over there is my favorite angel, standing astride, keeps him the collar of his shirt and beat him so much and so hard that I can hardly recognize him.  
He has an evil twin?  
I am speechless, I look at him, wide-eyed, motionless.  
He is beating, he’s beating strong, so strong that perhaps I wouldn’t have been able to do.  
His fists seem Iron and crash once, twice, three times against his face until he doesn’t react and remains helpless there.  
He’s going to kill him. I realize in an instant. I come and take him from behind, I pull him with all my strength returning to flow in me. I lift and throw against me.  
\- If you touch him again I end up! - Growls low and furious. The chills run through me, I can also excite me. No one has ever done that for me and not only this. No good one has ever become bad up to this point just for me.  
\- Ok, he understood ... understood ... - I murmur in his ear, as I continue to hold him in my arms.  
Pants. Pants furious, upset, maybe not even know who I am that I took him away.  
\- Anyway I knew I defend myself! - He leaves me, turns and looks at me frowning. His blue eyes I had missed such as air, when I see his face I feel better immediately, just like a jerk!  
\- It didn’t seem! - He says annoyed. He’s annoyed! He has emotions!  
Well, I saw his emotions, just a second ago. And they were all shocking.  
\- You ... you're amazing, you know? - I'm speechless, thinking for a second about what just happened. - Not even seemed you! And the way in which you have beaten him... you didn’t seem a former priest, you know? - I'm still a bit in shock, I very much feel that swirl inside me, I don’t understand on what I have to focus.  
\- What can I say? You don’t know until you put to the test. Until you find yourself in a situation you don’t know enough, you don’t know how far you can push yourself. - To this I stop and I frowned, we are at an average distance, the man is passed out on the floor but he’s alive and all around us, for now, no one else.  
He looks at me waiting while a flash through me.  
\- You left the votes because you have the urge to kill? - He frowns at this point as if I had blasphemed.  
\- What? No! -  
\- And so why? - I ask polemical spreading my arms. He sighs and shrugs.  
\- It's complicated. However I came to see how you were. I know you told me to get out of your life, I want to respect your will. - He says to this cold and unfriendly step, pulling on his coat well. - But don’t let to treat as well. You have to promise me this. - And there is an idea at this point.  
The idea that from now on I will not see him again really more. Because it looks like a goodbye, this. The final recommendations.


	26. Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stranger says last words to Dean

26\. FORGIVENESS  
  
I frown and look at him motionless, I can’t move a muscle.  
\- I really don’t see you again? What will you do, where you go? - He shrugs no very clear, stays focused and serious, always so rough.  
\- I don’t know, I have to go away from here. Or every night I’ll come back here to see you. And you don’t want. I will go away and I will try to do something. The clerk in some store, probably. Far from here, where no one can know me. To start over. - Even he has to close the past and get back on track, he must rise. A priest in a crisis of faith that takes vows and fucks a stranger.  
He falls in love.  
Really, Dean? You are so presumptuous as to think that he is in love with you?  
I'm shocked and I’m invested from a wave boiling, while the body numbs me and I haven’t the ability to move a muscle.  
\- Then you go seriously ... - I say to myself to understand it better, to be able to accept. Not even a fuck greeting?  
No wait, I wanted this. If he remains, if I see him again he will make me want to change my life, trying to be happy, to have a little satisfaction. And I don’t deserve, it wouldn’t be fair.  
I have yet to atone for my sins, I can’t quit and put everything away as if I had never done anything.  
We look for a few moments, the guy starts to wake up and complain. I would tell him to come with me to talk about it better, but about what?  
We look him distracted, then my angel here speaks in front of me again, finer than before.  
\- Do you really think you can continue as before, as if nothing? Before you didn’t want to... - Ah, he noticed! Shit!  
\- It was just ... too soon ... I'll be fine ... back in the saddle - I scolded embarrassed, scratching my head. I smile, but I feel an idiot.  
He approaches me.  
\- I have to go. - I feel bad. I feel damn bad.  
It’s as if the only remaining train is leaving forever. Without me. The last.  
We look closely, breathing, almost touching with the bodies. The desire to touch him, his eyes penetrate me as always. I'm going to faint.  
\- I'm sorry I upset your existence. - He then says, referring to my reaction to the hospital, when I sent him away. - I didn’t want make you desire more than what you think you deserve. - Not breathing, the inner pain increases and it’s worse than that caused by punches.  
As he knows these things? He reads my mind? For a moment I think so.  
\- But I hope that one day you will understand that the blame doesn’t atone for ever. At some point you have to be ready for forgiveness. At some point you have to understand that you are waiting to forgive you. And you have to accept it, that forgiveness. You must take it. Because it’s just you that reject it. - The eyes burn me, tears are on eye level. Right there, facing. I feel unable to move, stripped, naked.  
How does he says these things, how can he? By what right, what do he know?  
A priest feels entitled to speak of forgiveness, just one that has lost faith.


	27. Right or left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is at a crossroads. right or left? forgiveness or not?

27\. RIGHT OR LEFT  
  
\- You have done it? - I ask once instinctive, a little trying to deny this punch in the stomach that is giving me. The voice trembles, is thin. He smiles with an incomparable sweetness, that paradise back, his soul is there for me. I'm better, I'm better again.  
\- I asked God for forgiveness on the day when I drifted away from the Church. And I told him that my leave from His house, I would have never stopped to love Him. - I am struck by his speech, seems perfect for me. It seems studied.  
And in an instant, while I touch his lips with mine natural and spontaneous, I see what had attracted me so much of him.  
He looked at me to understand me, because he could do it. Because we are the same, somewhere in us, in the sea of our diversity.  
We are both fallen angels seeking redemption. Except that I look for punishing myself, he ... he?  
\- What is your redemption? - I ask lost, hoping that his answer can help me.  
He looks surprised at the question, thinks, then smiles back on his way disarmingly beautiful.  
\- Continue to love your neighbor in the one true Divine Law. - With this he caress my cheek softly. - Take care. -  
Then, silently, he goes walking, turn the corner and he no longer see.  
I miss. I don’t know if it's him or the air that seems to have no longer enough. But I get in the car while the bastard down wakes up, while a customer called me asking if I'm on duty. I climb, I turn and scoured childbirth.  
No man, I’m not in service.  
I scoures the car, get up a lot of dust in the parking. I enter in the street and go right.  
The air, I can’t breathe. I seem to have gone mad, a psychotic breakdown, something like that.  
But the idea to make me tuck a dick in the ass ... or tonight or ever.  
Not after I got heaven, not after I found out how it feels to be up there.  
If he is forgiven after betraying nothing less than God, why I should not accept the forgiveness of my family?  
But I have a right to ask?  
I stand at the red light. On the one hand the right, I go back home, back to work tomorrow if I feel like, if I can not forgive myself.  
Across the left, where he disappeared on foot, he will not get very far, he will look for a taxi rank? There will be a normal pension that is not a motel to have sex? It will be where he lives until he understands what to do?  
He is forgiven, he asked God for forgiveness, has found a better way to honor his father.  
I don’t know much, but I know enough to understand this.  
And me? Can I ask apologize to my family for causing their death? Can I ask for forgiveness, I forgive myself? By what right?  
I can?  
Forgiveness or not?  
Right or left?


	28. Taking the train

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the end, Dean's final decision. I hope you'll enjoy it and I hope that this translation was readable. I've done my best. See you around!

28\. TAKING THE TRAIN  
  
The traffic light is green, but I'm still standing, I hold the steering wheel, the night hanging together with a wonderfully starry sky.  
I bite my lip.  
Never mind that after the hospital I don’t know if I can make that shit work as before.  
Leave also lose there are other shitty work to do to punish myself.  
The point is what he said.  
The point is forgiveness. And not what others can give me, but what I’m willing to give me.  
I close my eyes strong, I can’t breathe.  
Don’t forgive myself, I continue to punish me like this forever, happiness away. And I see sad, nervous, gloomy, black, worn. I see myself without him. Without ever see him again. In memory of a smile that tastes like heaven. As a reminder of his eyes peering soul. I clenched heart forever.  
So I decide. I open my eyes, I put the first, the arrow, turn the steering wheel, I accelerate and go.  
I turn, I accelerate and then slow down. As soon as I see him the air that was missing back to me with this stupid urge to cry. I lower the window, slow down.  
\- Hey angel without wings. Do you needs a lift? - He stops, turns around and frowned hard, and when he see me, the miracle backs.  
That smile. That smile mirror of a paradise not entirely lost.  
A smile that give back for the first time, frankly, openly, too.  
And throw me a bit muscles because I had never smile with my entire face.  
\- Are you sure? - He asked with his voice hoarse and low. I nod and wink I point the car door. So he opens and goes up. I don’t know if he’s happy and satisfied or what.  
But I go and I remain a bit in silence. I feel strange to go in a different direction from the usual.  
\- I don’t know if I can start over and forgive. But I want to at least try. - He turns and looks at me in that way penetrating and only then I realize. I look at him too frown and dazed wonder: - But what's your name? -  
He surprised replied:  
\- Castiel. - I nod. Angel name.  
\- Dean. -  
To love, to forgive, to be happy, to live, redeem himself.  
Perhaps it’s as he says. Maybe it takes more force to pay tribute to a loved one with positive actions, rather than punishing themselves.  
It's probably a lot harder.  
I look at him, his collar is tied for the first time. I tease him.  
\- Hey, do you want to suffocate? - He looks at me blankly surprised and so laughingly pointed to the shirt collar. - Open or not I recognize you anymore! - So he blankly, perhaps he hasn’t the gift of irony, opens the buttons as I said. Then, seriously, asks:  
\- Goes better? - Laughing I nod. And since I have not laughed so?  
\- Very! - exclaim accelerating. Fuck, now I not wait to leave.  
That then the difficulty is said to begin. Once you start, you don’t actually stop. And after that I put the fourth, I take his hand off his leg in what will be the most fun experience of my life.  
Castiel looks at me surprised at the gesture, but doesn’t return the grip. So annoyed I tell him to do it:  
\- Look, you have to tighten it too! - He then with a 'oh' it does. The hands are intertwined and giggled.  
Already, quite a challenge.  
Civilizing an angel so good at understanding others, as incapable of being in the world.  
Chuckling at the thought, I lean over to him, he is still looking at me from his position and I snort. Looking at the free road, I leave the steering wheel for a moment, take his tie, pull it toward me abruptly. Equally decided, I'll take his lips in a quick kiss, taste of something that later will simply ... divine!  
The heat comes over me, and in an instant I confirms that perhaps that train I finally caught in time.  
  
END


End file.
